On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
