We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
sarcasm needs its own font
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
