somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
