I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
