just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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