I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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