somebody snuck up and got me drunk
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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