Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you didnt know i had herpes?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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