We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
