Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
