You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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