He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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