do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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