brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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