i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
