I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
