dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
