Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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