It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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