1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize