meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
