He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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