but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize