non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize