I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
