I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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