At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
