i will never coherently bang her
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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