I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
