halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
