Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
