Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
