ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Mom said you looked used
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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