Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
