Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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