I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
