First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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