Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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