one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
this will be a night to untag.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
