someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
