Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
