I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
How's work?
Spinning.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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