if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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