Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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