This is not my ceiling
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
