I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
