Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize