He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
