I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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