I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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