For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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