my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
