yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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