she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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