it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
