I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
