I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
