there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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