phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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